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I realize now that there are many
points in my life where I have fallen quite short of what I should
have accomplished. This has lead to many moments of mini-depression
as well as a constant questioning of my purpose and role. With this
question, another question that comes with this is, if I had a role
and a purpose in life, have a missed my opportunity to fulfill it?
This leads to many other questions,
ones which I dare not think about too much.
I just feel as if I do have something
to offer mankind, only that I am not sure what it is that I have to
offer. Concurrently I don't know why I feel so strongly that I have
something to offer compounded with a deep fear that I will fail in my
desire to fulfill what I believe is my life's work (whatever the hell
that may be). This creates quite a shitty feeling most days. It is
easy to pass of with a decent sense of humor, a quick joke, an a
jovial laugh. Under it all though, I do really wonder.
I try to live without regret, however
it is pretty much unavoidable when you have fucked up in life as much
as I have to do this. Of the things that I am extremely proud to
have accomplished, I can count maybe a handful or two. Conversely,
the many things which I have failed to do, whether from lack of
dedication or direction, are numerous and weigh heavily on me.
Now, having wasted so many
opportunities, I wonder what I can do with what I have left. I
wonder how much of my life I have wasted, and in doing so what I have
cost myself and others. What is one life worth?? Why do I feel as if
mine is worth something??
Regrets are solemnly weighing on me.
I am going to try to do something about
it... I have a few plans... Maybe one of them will develop into
something I can add to my small list of accomplishments which I
value... and maybe I can start taking things off of the ever
increasing pile of situations where I should have done things
differently.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Washington_and_Lee_University
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